THE EYE AND THE HEEL -

WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON?

First, let’s examine the contrast between the two. The eye is so sensitive that even a tiny speck of dust will drive it crazy. Some people are hurt and offended by just one little word that seems to be spoken against them.

I have heard people say, “My dad used to beat the boys with a belt for doing wrong and it didn’t seem to change them, but all he had to do was to ‘look at me’ when I was bad and I would feel so terrible and never want to do that again.”

We’ve all seen and known people who demonstrate this contrast. When a girl talks about a guy who is a ‘real heel’ - what is she saying? Usually, it’s someone who is very insensitive to her true wants and needs. He has run roughshod over her desires or preferences. He doesn’t seem to care how it makes her feel. He just wants to do his own thing. He is all wrapped up in himself. He has a callused attitude toward others and toward life in general.

All the 'eye' ever wanted in life was an eyelid – someone to cover her, shield her and protect her from the harmful elements of life. She wanted the warmth and security of that closeness. She wanted someone who would so blend into ‘her’ life in such a way that they would become as ‘one’. She craved being a part of someone else’s life and letting them be a part of hers. She needed someone who would recognize her needs and care about her feelings.

So, what does she get? A real heel! She gets a guy who doesn’t recognize her real needs. He says, “Why don’t you tell me when you want me to buy you flowers?” and she screams back at him, “If I have to ‘tell you’ when to say “I love you”, I’ll never feel like it’s really coming from you.

“Why can’t you just do it on your own and make me feel like you really care?"

It's one thing not to recognize a persons needs and it's another thing to know and not care. Some women will carefully spell it out for their men. They will explain what they want and what they expect and what they need from them. But, even then, the truly insensitive men will not or can not come through for them. They think they are being real heroes when they say, "I'll give you the money and you can go down and buy flowers whenever you need them."

Okay! Okay! I'll flip the coin and show the other side too. It's not just men who can be grossly insensitive. Women often prejudge men in a biased sort of way, because they don't understand what makes them tick. They, too, can become totally self-centered and absolutely blind to the real needs of their husbands. They want life to revolve around them and when it doesn't they get totally bent out of shape.

There are 392 varieties of insensitivity which can be displayed in 7,514 ways. Don't quote me though, because I'm not sure those numbers are accurate. But, it is true that insensitivity can erupt in all kinds of people and in a multitude of ways.

Life is life. So be it. From the beginning of time, it has been this way and until the end of time, it shall continue. I am not trying to eradicate insensitivity from the earth.

The purpose of these words is to find one, two or maybe even seven people who would like to become less insensitive than they are now. I'm looking for just a few who would really like to become more thoughtful of others. I'm looking for someone who would like to be a less condemning and a more considerate human being.

Why would a person want to change? Why would anyone want to reverse a bad relationship and try to make it go in a good direction? Maybe to save a marriage or to keep from alienating their children any more than they already have. Maybe to get a parent to forgive them before death separates them completely.

Maybe just to 'feel better about ourselves'. After all, we have to live with us all our lives. Why would anyone want to beat themselves over the head endlessly when a change of character is possible?

I heard a man say, "I'm just not emotional." But, that wasn't true. He was an exceptionally sensitive man, but had some crazy need to bottle up his emotions and not let anyone see them. Men get angry, hate and feel sorry for themselves all the time. Some men show their emotions and some don't. But, there is not one human being who does not 'feel'. Everyone has feelings. And anyone who has feelings can learn to show them and express them….at least a little bit more than they have in the past. Change is possible if we want to change - if we are highly motivated to change.

One man refused to be sensitive to his wife's needs and preferences in life. He forcefully ran over her again and again with his harsh and controlling type of behavior. She reached the breaking point and left him. He wouldn't stop calling and coming by the house, so she put a restraining order on him.

He came crying to me, saying, “I love her and can't live without her. I said, "That's sad, because she doesn't love you anymore and she can live without you!" He told me how he had thought of killing himself. I pointed out the fact that suicide would make sure he would be without her - forever.

When he had wallowed in his hopelessness long enough, I gave him a little hope. But, I promised him that there was absolutely NO HOPE of getting her back in three months, six months or nine months. He had damaged her trust and her love and her life so much that nothing short of a miracle would get her to change her mind. I promised him that she would never change her mind if she thought she was going back into the same kind of relationship again. I told him HE WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE!

Until then, he thought he couldn't change himself. He was what he was and that was that. But, I spelled out the practical steps it would take for him to get back into that woman's good graces and I told him he would have to patiently practice those steps continuously for at least a year. He finally wanted something bad enough to consider how the other person might feel about certain things.

One year later, they were together again. Seven years after that the woman told me, "He has never repeated those certain things that I hated." The man had finally considered her feelings and changed his behavior. They still had problems, but because he was showing great effort to please her, she also curtailed some of her bad behavior just so they could make it together.

Unfortunately, I tried to help another man get his wife back in a similar situation, but it was too late. The damage had been done. No amount of reassurance would convince the woman that things would change. Her feelings had been ignored or abused too often and for too long. The situation was irreversible. Insensitivity had claimed another marriage, ruined precious children and deprived a man of constant companionship. Years of misery and loneliness ensued and all for the lack of trying to understand the needs of someone else.

Ahhhhh, but let's flip the coin again. I've also worked with a woman who took her marriage for granted. She was insensitive to the needs of her husband and he started to think he could 'do better' with someone else. Oh, she didn't know that's what he was thinking, because she was so involved in her own selfish pursuits.

Of course, by the time it was all over, the man was made to look like the bad guy, because of her great need to 'live in denial' about her part in the matter. But, the fact remains, she neglected the 'ounce of prevention' which could have spared her children many years of misery. A little thoughtfulness could have gone a long way toward maintaining a peaceful and loving relationship.

Sure, I've talked a lot about insensitivity in marriage relationships, but insensitivity knows no barriers. It will do it's damage anywhere it can. The same could hold true in businesses of all sorts. When management does not think about what people desire or prefer, they go under. Why do you think they came up with the phrase, "The customer is always right"? Someone realized that the thoughts and feelings of the 'money holders' is important to their success. When you give the customer what he wants, he will give you what you want. If you don't - you will never see him again.

It's always been easy for me to return unwanted merchandise at any of the Wal-Mart stores. Therefore, I keep spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars with them. They know people don't like hassles when it comes to taking something back, so they have tried to be sensitive to the people's needs. Most of Sam Walton's decisions were made with the needs of the people in mind. He was sensitive to what they wanted and where they wanted it. He was rewarded with their business.

If you reward others, they will reward you.

Recently, I talked a teenager into rewarding his parents with what they wanted. I painted him a picture of where they were coming from and persuaded him to be sensitive to their needs and to their mindset. Then, I outlined a plan which caused them to be sensitive to some of the things he wanted and needed also. They started rewarding each other - and the constant upheaval in the home ceased.

Can you become more sensitive? Absolutely. Pretend that you are the other person, with faults and failures, with hopes and dreams. Think of life from their standpoint. Use your imagination.

Know for sure that the boomerang principle will work for you. Remember that what goes around - come around. Consider the solemn truth that what you measure out to others will be measured back to you.

Get angry with someone and they will react in anger against you. Criticize someone and they will quit thinking good thoughts about you. Smile and others smile back. Say 'thank you' and they will appreciate your politeness.

Express your love to another and they will almost certainly feel a twinge of love toward you. Keep it up and you may gradually win them over to your side so that they will end up loving you in return.

Be rude – and rude thoughts will jump up and down inside the one you have offended. Rudeness does not make people like you. Sarcasm does not win friends and influence people.

Some mornings I tried to wake my kids up with loud singing. They didn't appreciate that. They wanted to wake up more slowly and at their own pace. They weren't ready for 'melodies of joy' after sleeping heavily.

When you know someone is not in the mood for 'talk, talk, talk' - why not just leave them alone until they are ready to interact?

Why do we want everyone else to change for us? Why can't we make some changes for their sake? It's possible. There are ways. When you voluntarily make some of those changes, you will immediately begin to feel better about yourself.

But, a change which you don't really accept or agree to is a change which will cause you to live in resentment, stewing anger and inward misery.

Even if someone forces change on you - work your way toward accepting what 'is' and 'making the most of it'. Man's reactions to the unwanted circumstances of life determines the amount and degree of happiness he may experience in this life. It's true. Go back and read that sentence 200 times and then really think about it at least once.

Disappointment leads to all kinds of misery. When others do things that infringe on our space - we sometimes go berserk. We all want a life that is controlled by OUR choices. We soon find out, that's not going to happen. And that's when we need to 'choose to control' our reactions.

Today - start practicing sensitivity. Start thinking about others. Start thinking about how they feel. Think up something you can say or do that will show some sensitivity to their needs.

Think of someone who has been offended by you and make an apology. Think of someone who may be lonely and give them a call or go visit them.

Nothing worthwhile is ever accomplished without practice. So, here's another way to get the practice you need. Simply write ten names on a piece of paper. Any ten names that come to mind. Friends or enemies. Don't worry about who they are or anything. Just write them down. Then - after the names are on paper - start thinking of each individual and begin to see life through their eyes. Think of how they might feel and why they might feel that way. Think of what they might want or need. Start caring about someone you would normally not care about.