Beauty and The Beast

In dire need of a beauty make-over,

I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model.

I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.

I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

Early one evening a gentleman scurried out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. He did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to
have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

A man walked down a beach and came across an old bottle. He picked it up, pulled out the cork and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man said "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There was a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appeared in his hand. He continued, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There was a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appeared right next to him. He continued, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There was a flash of light and he turned into a box of chocolates.

Doctor to patient:

I have good news and bad news: the good news is
that you are not a hypochondriac.

Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one.

Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in,

"It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."

A couple days before a big wedding, the Bride came up with some bad news for her mother: the young Step-Mother of the Groom had bought the exact same dress to wear to the Wedding that she (the mother of the Bride) was planning to wear.
The Bride's Mother told her not to worry because she would just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.
"But mother," asked the Bride, "What will you do with the dress that you've already bought?"
"Well," said mom, "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

TRUISMS

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

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